Three more weeks...

So here I am sitting at my laptop singing my heart out to the Spring Awakening soundtrack after I just kicked Scott's ass in Yahtzee.  I am a mixture of content, sadness, excitement and fear.  I want so badly to be past this place, and move onto bigger things but I don't know if I'm ready.  I miss Florida.  I miss the friends and family that live down there, but like usual I am having difficulties preparing myself for change.  

I'm trying to stay positive, do things that will make me happy.  I don't want to lose certain things that make me feel happy.  It's going to be very difficult, but I know I can make it through.  I just need to focus on the now.  I feel like my life (and my room) is in complete disorganization at the moment.  I'm not sure if any of this makes sense.  I'm just confused. Haha...

I'm not really in the mood to type anything, lol.  So...have a great night everyone!! :)

Mindless ramblings of a bi-polar child

DISCLAIMER: dont read...crazy nonsensical thoughts

So right now my mind wont stop working so whoever is reading this may or may not in fact find out some fun and interesting facts about myself.  First off I have bipolar disorder and this seems to be a manic type episode since my mind just wont seem to stop.  Its kind of like how it feels when they explain ADHD but then there are other things that happen too.  Like all I want to do right now are things that I probably shouldn't, one example...drink copious amounts of alcohol.  Thats just one of the many examples I could use.  I also think that when I feel like this people think that I am absolutely crazy.  I talk and talk and talk but i dont SAY anything I just speak whatever comes to my head and the poor people surrounding me have  to listen to it.  But sadly for some only a few people in my life get to hear these things...until now  Usually its my family, scott, ali and brandon who get to hear all of these random thoughts that come to my mind and i cant control or stop them.  now you get to listen, whoever you may be.  This to you might not seem like a strange listing of thoughts or ideas but they are coming outr of my head faster than i can type them i am surprised that there arent more spelling mistakes. I wish I was a better speller.  I suck at spelling always have. spelling was the first test i ever failed at.  I got a 50%.  It sucked.  I just saw my sims 2 cd on my desk and got a luttle sad because it does not work on my Mac laptop and i reallyreallyreally wanted to play it today.  I love playing the sims because I can create ANyONE and they could have ANY life.  i probably like it because of some sort of hidden "control issues" a psychologist might say that i have.  I try and find control in abnormal ways because I feel unable to control my thoughts, emotions and actions sometimes.  So i find thinsg (like the sims) that I can control and am content with that.  My parents dont quite understand or know that that is why i love the sims so much.  my mom thinks its boring and a waste of monet but for me its very relaxing.  just like listening to music. yes listeing to music is very fun.  Usually i write long blog entries like this when I'm crying because it calms me.  The only 2 ways I know how to get feelings out is through physical means (crying, touching, etc.) and by physically typing/writing/drawing them out.  That is why when I was realllly bad depressed wise when i was in HS waaay back when it was good for me to have a blog that only one person read, mike, and all i did was type and type and type especially if i was crying or feeling the way I do now.  I dont expect that anyone has read this much and if you have you are either crazy or actually care about what i'm thinking/feeling...well probably a little of both but anyway i really hope my mind gives me a rest for awhile because im getting to be very very tired but my mind is still in "lets take the freaking SATs" mental state which sucks because a. UGH and b. timed tests suck.  ive been thinking about high school a lot lately since i had my weird hs related dreams.  I think I feel kind of stuck right now in life...like im not a kid but i dont feel quite like a full adult yet. or maybe i'm trying to stay in kid state as long as i can since i feel that most of my chldhood i spent taking care of people whether it was my mom, grandma or siblings.  its like...i want my own childhood for just awhile longer but i know i cant ever have it back and eventually ill have kids and it will be completely gone and im scared of that because i want a childhood.  i want a childhood where half the time i didnt want to be gone from it.  wow this is quite depressing, if you are reading this...you might want to not waste more time reading it.  it doesnt even make sense!  ahhhh i honestly cannot stop typing.  i havent felt this out of it for a while.  my mom cant find out. she'll get mad and woried and she;ll tell my dad and that will suck.  i dont want to talk to my dad.  I dont want them to know that i cant stay in control. okay i really think this isnt helping much. bye.

Thanks to Derek...

So I have always been one to be interested in blogging since it combines my two favorite things: communication and the internet.  I have started many blogs, and all have failed miserably due to my complete ADD mental capacity.

Thanks goes to my good friend Derek for getting me back into blogging, I am hoping to continue this blog as a way of getting my thoughts out somewhere even if no one listens.  Derek, my dear friend, I miss you and I hope that we will get to hang out sometime within the next...sex months, though it seems doubtful.  I miss all of the group and all the fun (yet completely insane) things that occurred.

Switching topics--

I have had very strange dreams over the past two nights.  The first night's dream I analyzed and seemed to have doubts and anxieties about my near future.  Very true, since I'm ALWAYS anxious about things.  However something is strange about the last two dreams I've had.  In both of them there was a large chunk of time where I was back in high school...even though in my head I knew I wasn't supposed to be there.  In the first dream myself and two others were merely pretending to be high school students at the school (that sounds illegal and creepy, no?) and the second one I was coming home from Florida (where I'm moving to) on spring break from Oswego (where I go to school now) and had to go to my high school and take classes.  I couldn't find any clothes that fit the school's dress code and was 2 hours late and kept having my FATHER (who I don;t always get along with) write me late excuses and changing the time.  It was strange and I really wonder why my subconscious is all concerned about being in high school when I'm not supposed to be there.

I've decided after reading some symbol interpretations that it can mean that I might be having "feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities."  (dreammoods.com)  Sounds about right. :P  I know this seems a bit odd to spend so much time analyzing a dream, but it really bothered me when I woke up this morning.

Other than my dream, we have been doing final setup stuff for Bid Bon, which is tomorrow.  I am pretty excited that it's tomorrow.  1. because I want to see how much we make  2. because I get to be a fake bartender  3. because then it will be over.  Haha, anyway the set is looking amazing, I might take some pics of it today or tomorrow. 

It's been a good day today, actually its a great day!  The sun is out, its about 75 degrees out and I'm just in a wonderful mood!  Have a great day everyone!

Craziness

So, here I am...starting yet another blog (literally it is probably the six or seventh I have started in my lifetime).  This time I hope I keep with it, something I tend to not always do.  I really want to keep up with this one, even though it will not have a specific point like my others have.

Right now I am beginning my last month as an undergraduate college student and am trying to take advantage of what I can.  However, I'm becoming slightly annoyed at how some aspects of my college life are at the moment.  I am not walking at graduation, I am just going to have my degree mailed to me and leave Oswego as quietly as possible.

The next stage in my life will be an exciting adventure.  I am moving to Orlando to do my second internship with Disney.  I will finally be there for good where my friends, boyfriend, cousins, aunt and favorite place in the world all reside.  I cannot wait to begin this strange, unique, yet exciting stage of my life

Thanks for reading!  :)