Mindless ramblings of a bi-polar child

DISCLAIMER: dont read...crazy nonsensical thoughts

So right now my mind wont stop working so whoever is reading this may or may not in fact find out some fun and interesting facts about myself.  First off I have bipolar disorder and this seems to be a manic type episode since my mind just wont seem to stop.  Its kind of like how it feels when they explain ADHD but then there are other things that happen too.  Like all I want to do right now are things that I probably shouldn't, one example...drink copious amounts of alcohol.  Thats just one of the many examples I could use.  I also think that when I feel like this people think that I am absolutely crazy.  I talk and talk and talk but i dont SAY anything I just speak whatever comes to my head and the poor people surrounding me have  to listen to it.  But sadly for some only a few people in my life get to hear these things...until now  Usually its my family, scott, ali and brandon who get to hear all of these random thoughts that come to my mind and i cant control or stop them.  now you get to listen, whoever you may be.  This to you might not seem like a strange listing of thoughts or ideas but they are coming outr of my head faster than i can type them i am surprised that there arent more spelling mistakes. I wish I was a better speller.  I suck at spelling always have. spelling was the first test i ever failed at.  I got a 50%.  It sucked.  I just saw my sims 2 cd on my desk and got a luttle sad because it does not work on my Mac laptop and i reallyreallyreally wanted to play it today.  I love playing the sims because I can create ANyONE and they could have ANY life.  i probably like it because of some sort of hidden "control issues" a psychologist might say that i have.  I try and find control in abnormal ways because I feel unable to control my thoughts, emotions and actions sometimes.  So i find thinsg (like the sims) that I can control and am content with that.  My parents dont quite understand or know that that is why i love the sims so much.  my mom thinks its boring and a waste of monet but for me its very relaxing.  just like listening to music. yes listeing to music is very fun.  Usually i write long blog entries like this when I'm crying because it calms me.  The only 2 ways I know how to get feelings out is through physical means (crying, touching, etc.) and by physically typing/writing/drawing them out.  That is why when I was realllly bad depressed wise when i was in HS waaay back when it was good for me to have a blog that only one person read, mike, and all i did was type and type and type especially if i was crying or feeling the way I do now.  I dont expect that anyone has read this much and if you have you are either crazy or actually care about what i'm thinking/feeling...well probably a little of both but anyway i really hope my mind gives me a rest for awhile because im getting to be very very tired but my mind is still in "lets take the freaking SATs" mental state which sucks because a. UGH and b. timed tests suck.  ive been thinking about high school a lot lately since i had my weird hs related dreams.  I think I feel kind of stuck right now in life...like im not a kid but i dont feel quite like a full adult yet. or maybe i'm trying to stay in kid state as long as i can since i feel that most of my chldhood i spent taking care of people whether it was my mom, grandma or siblings.  its like...i want my own childhood for just awhile longer but i know i cant ever have it back and eventually ill have kids and it will be completely gone and im scared of that because i want a childhood.  i want a childhood where half the time i didnt want to be gone from it.  wow this is quite depressing, if you are reading this...you might want to not waste more time reading it.  it doesnt even make sense!  ahhhh i honestly cannot stop typing.  i havent felt this out of it for a while.  my mom cant find out. she'll get mad and woried and she;ll tell my dad and that will suck.  i dont want to talk to my dad.  I dont want them to know that i cant stay in control. okay i really think this isnt helping much. bye.