It's been awhile...

I know, it's been awhile.  It seems like nothing much has happened, but really...a lot did.  Jason and Rich got married (I was one of the...best women?) and it was a beautiful ceremony!  As hard as I tried I could not keep myself from crying like a baby.  I was just so happy, but I'd be happier if we didn't have to go to Canada to make sure my friends could have a legal marriage.  Don't get me wrong, I love Canada...a LOT!  I just hate that some human rights are not available to all the people of the United States solely because of one's sexual preference.

Aside from that, I've really been just doing some laundry and getting the house de-cluttered for the garage sale I'm having in July.  It's actually more fun than I thought it would be since I usually am a packrat, but my OCD has kicked in and I just want to get this sh*t gone!  I mean, it's actually very exciting for me to have a garage sale.  I see it as a challenge because my parents think that garage sales are a waste of time.  I on the other hand feel that it is a good experience to bond as a family, get rid of things we don't need, and to meet and interact with some new people!  Plus you can make a couple of bucks off of it.  Altogether sounds like a pretty good day to me (even if I'm busting my butt to get it ready).

Today I have been having a really difficult time being away from certain people and places.  I miss the simplicity of college life and the friends that I had in Oswego, and I'm missing the memories and people from last summer during my internship with Disney.  I can't stop thinking about all the stupid, crazy things that happened and how amazing of an adventure it was.  I even cried a bit when I watched a slideshow I made (and that I watch whenever I need some Disney in my life :P) and it was like I just wanted something that will never happen again.  The combination of people, scheduling and sometimes a little bit of rum (haha) made for some of the most amazing memories and friendships.  I miss those people who have really made an impact on my life, both at Oswego and at Disney.

I got to chat with a few friends today that I have not had the chance to talk with for awhile.  Erik called me this afternoon and we caught up and reminisced about "the office" days and how different things are.  But we are lucky, because our little group will all be back in Florida together for good someday, and that's something to look forward to.  Florida Scott (which he has been named by my family & other scott) called also which was amazing because we got the chance to chat, catch up, bitch and dish, which we haven't done in ages! :)  It really was a very eye-opening conversation and made me realize how much my friends know about me.  I also got to text for a bit with someone who was very important to me from Oswego who, like me, is trying to get back to the place they call home and miss dearly.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one in that boat, thanks Chewy!  :)

Aside from all that serious jabber, I spent last night making 48 cupcakes for Madagascar and Julia to take to school with them.  Today was Julia's 9th birthday (I know, I'm old) so she brought in birthday cupcakes, and Madagascar's birthday was over Memorial Day weekend so she didn't get the chance to bring any so I made some for her as well.  Next week is Josh's 12th birthday (dear God...) so I'll be making some more next weekl. :)  Tomorrow is the first rehearsal for the Summerplay.  I got the part of Stella, the bartender.  Perfect role for me, eh?  :)  I'm pretty excited about it, but I've been really out of it and tired lately so I'm hoping I'm not getting sick again.

Life is exciting, yet quite draining lately.  I mean, I'm in a play, I started working a few hours a week at the video store, I get to go swimming with the siblings, am planning a fairly large garage sale, de-cluttering the house...but the draining part isn't physical.  I just seem to be having a difficult time figuring out what I really want right now, and am tired of going after what people tell me I want.  Sure, something might sound exciting, perfect and enticing but that doesn't make it something I want.  It makes the people selling it to me good salesmen & women.  I'm trying to figure myself out right now and I feel that there are too many things that are getting in the way of that.  I'm fearful of living out someone else's dream, especially since life is so short, why relish in someone else's happiness?  (Is relish the right word for that??)

Anyway, I guess I best get ready for bed.  Which lately has been me getting some PJ's on by midnight and laying down and fidgeting for a couple hours before my body finally gives up and shuts down, forcing me to fall asleep.  Wow, now I understand why my parents always say that I'm a drama queen.  I tend to use overly dramatic vocabulary for emphasis.  Nevertheless, it doesn't make my inability to fall asleep any less realistic, just more dramatic.  I really could write a book if I found myself in this mood more often, because whatever mood this is, is the one that I tend to be most reflective and focused.  Do you see how much I have written without getting bored and just stopping?  It's almost at miracle level (ok, I admit, I am a tad overdramatic sometimes).

Well, that's all I really have to say for now.  If I let myself continue I might go on rambling for hours.  Have a great night everyone!

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Oh how I hate changes.  I have been trying to "choose my attitude" to maintain a positive attitude during this transitional time for me from college to moving to Florida.  Its not going well in my head, but I'm making work.

All I want when I'm in my room is to have my own room, go to classes (YUCK-I mean skip most my classes), and hanging out with my close friends (aka scott since everyone else abandoned me to go be adults and student teach and stuff).  Then I'll listen to a song or see a picture and I'll want to be back in Florida with the people from this summer.

I want our apartment back (after that crazy bitch me and Katie ran out of our apartment), the boys down the hall, dance parties, going to the parks, my work "family"- scott & becca I miss you guys- along with all the summer CPs, Apples to Apples, setting up our Christmas Tree, Creativity class, the office group, Ben & me acting 'tarded, the pirate wall, SHARON!, Winnie the Pooh, the dumbtarded dinos, rats in a sac, ROCK BAND, gayson, baby gizelle's attutude, Jarrett talking to trees, Chris molesting me, Jesse being Jesse (man I miss that kid!), ALI!!!, Ali and I making retarded videos...like ones I havent even edited yet, hating the Tea Cups, Phil being...Phil-ish, forgetting how to work the fast pass machine, Katie & my pizza dates, oh my gosh...I miss last summer so much!  How I wish I didnt end up working on Pan side and having anxiety attacks all the time because Pan is STUPID. 

I miss it.  Ali, Derek... I know at least one of you will read this...PLEASE, can we relive last summer?  It was absolutely perfect.  I'm scared that I'm going to have too high of expectations when I go back.  It was just wonderful...I'm gonna end up hating Chatham and wishing things were back to normal.

I don't want to have to leave Scott and I know he thinks its stupid that I get all emotional (I cant help it dear) but what the hell...I might not see him for like...YEARS!  That kinda sucks. A lot.  I'm having a hard time with this part of moving on, but I'm dealing w/ it better than I thought I would. 

On the good side the next couple weeks are looking good.  First, I graduate (but I'm not walking...long story, ask later), Ben comes to visit...SOOOO excited!, then Jason's getting married and I'm in the wedding (like maid of honor type gettup).  Its gonna be a whole lot of excitement and I probably should have plans on how to keep myself out of trouble!  HAHA!

All in all, I just am confused and hating all this change and transition.  I hate new, I hate change, I hate transitions...so this is not going to be a good time for me, but soon I'll be home w/ the kids and then soon after that I'll be back in Florida.  Let's keep smiling and hope this is the plan.

Thanks for listening and have a fabulous day!

It all started with a mouse...

So here I am, supposed to be studying for my last exam in my Vietnam War class but instead I am sitting on facebook and staring at my Disney pin collection.  It's quite amazing actually, to think of all the things in my room that would not be a part of me if it weren't for Walt E. Disney and his creating of Mickey Mouse.  My room is covered in Wall-E posters, Disney trading pins, coloring book pages, snow globes, statues and water bottles that all are Disney merchandise.  My life revolves around that mouse.

Mickey, who started as Mortimer (thanks to Walt's wife for that change in name), is a symbol of hope to many people.  He had humble beginnings yet has an entire empire now with movies, tv channels, theme parks, toys, books, etc.  Imagine your life being changed so completely.  It's the ideal story of rags to riches because a dream really can come true if you wish and work hard enough.

My problem right now is that I don't know what my dream is.  I don't know what I want to be or to accomplish.  I need to have the dream in order to create the hope that can guide me.  This might all seem nonsensical to you all, however once you've worked for the Mouse, you know what I'm talking about.  It's not merely a job, to work for Disney, it's a lifestyle.  It's something that is almost impossible to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it before.  I can't just go to an amusement park and expect an experience like the one I will receive from Disney.  However, it all depends on one's mindset when entering into this surreal world and leaving all reality behind.

I wish life could be like Disney.  Leaving all my troubles and stresses behind seems like such an amazing idea at this point in my life.  I want to be a kid, I want to run away to Neverland and be there to dress and pretend forever.  I wish it existed, because I would have finally found my calling; to be a kid forever.  Now if only I knew how to turn that dream into something productive in my reality.  Props to people like Walt Disney and anyone who has achieved their dreams.  Now, I hope, it's my turn.

Let's start today.  Maybe if I find that one true passion I can use it to create something wonderful.  Have a great day everyone!

Scott

So...scott bet me that he would hack my blog before the week's over.  That last post was him hacking my blog.  

the end.

HACKED

told you i would jessie

YAYAYAYAY

Cleaning...

So today I am cleaning my room because it is absolutely beyond messy.  I can't take it anymore.  So I started by gathering my laundry, moved that aside, turned on some music and all I have gotten done is the first stage in changing Blackbeard's (my wonderful pet fish) fishbowl.  I also found that my camera was dead, my garbage needs to be taken out, I found my winter hat and gloves, and my sneakers have finally appeared.

I kinda like today because I'm going to take time out for ME and think (while I clean of course).  I need some time to myself, I'm feeling very overwhelmed with everything right now that is going on in my life.  I feel like myself today.  It might just be the music or my cute little fish but my room is kinda the place to be right now.  

I always wanted to be one of those famous bloggers that wrote everyday and made people laugh while still bringing up issues relevant to the world, but I feel because I can actually get ideas out through writing I'll just end up using this as a public journal of sorts.  Lucky you, the readers, for joining me on this grand adventure through life.  Any comments would be nice, and honestly...I do enjoy sharing my life with people especially if they want to read all about it.

Thanks again Derek for coercing me to start yet another blog, hopefully this time I don't give up half way through like I do with everything. :P  I hope you are all enjoying the weekend, I know I am.  I needed this break from the scheduled life I lead.  The music in the background, sun shining through the windows and the hope and excitement of summer peaking through my stress-ridden mind is making today productive. 

Enjoy yourself today!  Much love!

Three more weeks...

So here I am sitting at my laptop singing my heart out to the Spring Awakening soundtrack after I just kicked Scott's ass in Yahtzee.  I am a mixture of content, sadness, excitement and fear.  I want so badly to be past this place, and move onto bigger things but I don't know if I'm ready.  I miss Florida.  I miss the friends and family that live down there, but like usual I am having difficulties preparing myself for change.  

I'm trying to stay positive, do things that will make me happy.  I don't want to lose certain things that make me feel happy.  It's going to be very difficult, but I know I can make it through.  I just need to focus on the now.  I feel like my life (and my room) is in complete disorganization at the moment.  I'm not sure if any of this makes sense.  I'm just confused. Haha...

I'm not really in the mood to type anything, lol.  So...have a great night everyone!! :)

Mindless ramblings of a bi-polar child

DISCLAIMER: dont read...crazy nonsensical thoughts

So right now my mind wont stop working so whoever is reading this may or may not in fact find out some fun and interesting facts about myself.  First off I have bipolar disorder and this seems to be a manic type episode since my mind just wont seem to stop.  Its kind of like how it feels when they explain ADHD but then there are other things that happen too.  Like all I want to do right now are things that I probably shouldn't, one example...drink copious amounts of alcohol.  Thats just one of the many examples I could use.  I also think that when I feel like this people think that I am absolutely crazy.  I talk and talk and talk but i dont SAY anything I just speak whatever comes to my head and the poor people surrounding me have  to listen to it.  But sadly for some only a few people in my life get to hear these things...until now  Usually its my family, scott, ali and brandon who get to hear all of these random thoughts that come to my mind and i cant control or stop them.  now you get to listen, whoever you may be.  This to you might not seem like a strange listing of thoughts or ideas but they are coming outr of my head faster than i can type them i am surprised that there arent more spelling mistakes. I wish I was a better speller.  I suck at spelling always have. spelling was the first test i ever failed at.  I got a 50%.  It sucked.  I just saw my sims 2 cd on my desk and got a luttle sad because it does not work on my Mac laptop and i reallyreallyreally wanted to play it today.  I love playing the sims because I can create ANyONE and they could have ANY life.  i probably like it because of some sort of hidden "control issues" a psychologist might say that i have.  I try and find control in abnormal ways because I feel unable to control my thoughts, emotions and actions sometimes.  So i find thinsg (like the sims) that I can control and am content with that.  My parents dont quite understand or know that that is why i love the sims so much.  my mom thinks its boring and a waste of monet but for me its very relaxing.  just like listening to music. yes listeing to music is very fun.  Usually i write long blog entries like this when I'm crying because it calms me.  The only 2 ways I know how to get feelings out is through physical means (crying, touching, etc.) and by physically typing/writing/drawing them out.  That is why when I was realllly bad depressed wise when i was in HS waaay back when it was good for me to have a blog that only one person read, mike, and all i did was type and type and type especially if i was crying or feeling the way I do now.  I dont expect that anyone has read this much and if you have you are either crazy or actually care about what i'm thinking/feeling...well probably a little of both but anyway i really hope my mind gives me a rest for awhile because im getting to be very very tired but my mind is still in "lets take the freaking SATs" mental state which sucks because a. UGH and b. timed tests suck.  ive been thinking about high school a lot lately since i had my weird hs related dreams.  I think I feel kind of stuck right now in life...like im not a kid but i dont feel quite like a full adult yet. or maybe i'm trying to stay in kid state as long as i can since i feel that most of my chldhood i spent taking care of people whether it was my mom, grandma or siblings.  its like...i want my own childhood for just awhile longer but i know i cant ever have it back and eventually ill have kids and it will be completely gone and im scared of that because i want a childhood.  i want a childhood where half the time i didnt want to be gone from it.  wow this is quite depressing, if you are reading this...you might want to not waste more time reading it.  it doesnt even make sense!  ahhhh i honestly cannot stop typing.  i havent felt this out of it for a while.  my mom cant find out. she'll get mad and woried and she;ll tell my dad and that will suck.  i dont want to talk to my dad.  I dont want them to know that i cant stay in control. okay i really think this isnt helping much. bye.

Thanks to Derek...

So I have always been one to be interested in blogging since it combines my two favorite things: communication and the internet.  I have started many blogs, and all have failed miserably due to my complete ADD mental capacity.

Thanks goes to my good friend Derek for getting me back into blogging, I am hoping to continue this blog as a way of getting my thoughts out somewhere even if no one listens.  Derek, my dear friend, I miss you and I hope that we will get to hang out sometime within the next...sex months, though it seems doubtful.  I miss all of the group and all the fun (yet completely insane) things that occurred.

Switching topics--

I have had very strange dreams over the past two nights.  The first night's dream I analyzed and seemed to have doubts and anxieties about my near future.  Very true, since I'm ALWAYS anxious about things.  However something is strange about the last two dreams I've had.  In both of them there was a large chunk of time where I was back in high school...even though in my head I knew I wasn't supposed to be there.  In the first dream myself and two others were merely pretending to be high school students at the school (that sounds illegal and creepy, no?) and the second one I was coming home from Florida (where I'm moving to) on spring break from Oswego (where I go to school now) and had to go to my high school and take classes.  I couldn't find any clothes that fit the school's dress code and was 2 hours late and kept having my FATHER (who I don;t always get along with) write me late excuses and changing the time.  It was strange and I really wonder why my subconscious is all concerned about being in high school when I'm not supposed to be there.

I've decided after reading some symbol interpretations that it can mean that I might be having "feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities."  (dreammoods.com)  Sounds about right. :P  I know this seems a bit odd to spend so much time analyzing a dream, but it really bothered me when I woke up this morning.

Other than my dream, we have been doing final setup stuff for Bid Bon, which is tomorrow.  I am pretty excited that it's tomorrow.  1. because I want to see how much we make  2. because I get to be a fake bartender  3. because then it will be over.  Haha, anyway the set is looking amazing, I might take some pics of it today or tomorrow. 

It's been a good day today, actually its a great day!  The sun is out, its about 75 degrees out and I'm just in a wonderful mood!  Have a great day everyone!

Craziness

So, here I am...starting yet another blog (literally it is probably the six or seventh I have started in my lifetime).  This time I hope I keep with it, something I tend to not always do.  I really want to keep up with this one, even though it will not have a specific point like my others have.

Right now I am beginning my last month as an undergraduate college student and am trying to take advantage of what I can.  However, I'm becoming slightly annoyed at how some aspects of my college life are at the moment.  I am not walking at graduation, I am just going to have my degree mailed to me and leave Oswego as quietly as possible.

The next stage in my life will be an exciting adventure.  I am moving to Orlando to do my second internship with Disney.  I will finally be there for good where my friends, boyfriend, cousins, aunt and favorite place in the world all reside.  I cannot wait to begin this strange, unique, yet exciting stage of my life

Thanks for reading!  :)